I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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