Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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