Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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