I got chris browned last night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
