I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
