no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
