Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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