apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize