3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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