The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
