it's too hot outside to masturbate.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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