We got so high we made milksteak
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
