Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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