We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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