So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
