I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
