Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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