You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
