so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
