so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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