This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
