Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
