Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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