the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
