Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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