is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
