Even the bartender felt bad for me
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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