Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
