Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
