I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
