The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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