I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
