I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
