Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
