I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
