She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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