Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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