My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize