My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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