I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
