I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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