I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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