I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
