Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
