so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
