Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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