apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Randomize