Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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