So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
