i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
