I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
