I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
