you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
