Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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