um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this just has baby written all over it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
