Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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