my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
