I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize