Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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