Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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