Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
