If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
