the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
