I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
