Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
