he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
