Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
