I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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