i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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