I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize