Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
