Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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