Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize