I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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