Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
