guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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